Name It To Tame It
We've all been there. That moment when we are no longer simply experiencing an emotion, but we ARE the emotion. We feel totally out of control. Heart rate rises. Vision narrows. We can't communicate clearly. We can't think straight. Our reactions are impulsive. Perhaps you're remembering a time recently when this happened to you?
Most people are aware that they are experiencing an emotion and can give it a rough label, happy, sad, angry, anxious or frustrated. What most people don’t tend to do, is define or explore that particular emotion.
Why Is It Important to Explore Emotions?
If we don’t know what we are feeling, then we give ourselves little chance to respond in a wise and healthy way.
For instance, if you mess up a presentation, are you feeling guilt, shame, embarrassment, humiliation?
If your company is going through a merger and you’re feeling uncertain about your role, is the emotion anxiety, overwhelm, dread, fear, stress?
When you’re sitting in the park with your friends are you feeling joy, contentment, gratitude?
When we don’t know what we are feeling, we tend to be reactive and impulsive, or make choices that we regret.
And what’s more, it gives us little power to change.
So What Can We Do?
The first step, is to increase your emotional vocabulary. As I said earlier, our vocabulary is pretty limited to good, fine, bad, sad, angry, annoyed. The average person can name around 8-10 emotions.
By tuning in with yourself and understanding what emotion(s) you are really experiencing, you are giving yourself a greater chance
The Wheel of Emotions or Brene Brown’s 87 Emotional Experiences Grid are great ways to enhance your emotional awareness. When you notice a particularly strong sensation arise, ask yourself am I angry, or is it irritated, furious, disappointed, frustrated, bitter?
Another exercise I share with my clients is to set a reminder at random intervals throughout the day to check in and record the emotions that you note at that time. Be curious as to the emotions you experience more frequently and any recurring triggers or themes.
Once we have a greater awareness of our emotions, we can move onto part two.
Name It To Tame It
This simple practice enables you to distance yourself from the emotion and regain control over your response.
Words are powerful They have the power to build or destroy. And when you use words for the way we feel, it gives us a greater sense of clarity and understanding.
What this simply means, is using the format: “I feel ___________”
Again, you might refer to the Wheel of Feelings or Brene Brown’s Chart for help here.
This technique alone, or identifying and naming the emotion, can often be enough to dissipate the unpleasant experience or see a way to move forward. Research shows that the simple act of labelling an emotion helps us to feel calmer. When we name the emotion we are experiencing, something amazing happens inside the brain - activity in the amygdala is reduced, decreasing emotional reactivity. Essentially it puts the brakes on and helps us feel calmer.
Naming what you are aware of, creates healthy space between you and what you are experiencing. It separates you from being the emotion because there is some part of you that is aware of what you are experiencing. And it’s this awareness that we can tap into to enact self care practices or a path forward.
So if you can recognise that you are indeed feeling bitter, rather than anger, you can respond more wisely with that information
Traps to Avoid
Confusing Thought & Feeling
”I feel like everyone hates me” / “I feel like I’m a loser”. Now this is a trap that I see people fall into over and over. These are not feelings, rather they are thoughts. There is no emotion here. If you hear the word ‘like’ or ‘that’ following ‘I feel’, then chances are it’s not an emotion. “I feel regret”, “I feel resentment”, “I feel awe”Saying I Am Instead of I Feel
Notice how different these two sentences sound. “I am depressed” / “I feel depressed”. In the first, you are wrapping your identity with the emotion. It’s rigid and gives the impression that it can’t change. Now with I am feeling, or I have the feeling of it becomes a temporary experience. A person who currently has those feelings but is entirely separate to them.
Being Too Vague
This comes back to what I said at the start, that when we don’t fully understand the emotion it becomes hard to respond wisely or change it. The more specific you are, the more power you gain.
So, here’s a little practice for you. Track your emotions regularly on a daily basis to broaden your emotional vocabulary. Identify the emotion and allow it to dissipate. Not only will this on going practice help distance you from the emotion in the moment but it will also strengthen your capacity to be with big emotions when they arise, without getting swept up in them.
Remember, you are not the emotion, you are simply the observer experiencing it at that time.
Much love as always
Alexandra
