Would You Talk to a Friend Like That?
“Shock, you’ve failed again”
“Are you seriously going to wear that? You look awful”
“I can’t believe you did that, you’re so embarrassing!”
Would you say these comments to your friend? Or even a stranger for that matter? No, of course not! Being a good friend comes easy and effortlessly to us. We celebrate their wins, comfort them through challenges and shift their perspective when they feel bad about themselves. So why do you feel it’s okay to make comments like that to yourself?
I’m my role as a therapist and life coach, I hear over and over again, incredible women berating every decision they make, criticising their personality and condemning their bodies on a daily basis. Beautiful women stuck in a negative cycle of self sabotage and harm.
Self compassion is the antidote for this self flagellation. You can think of self compassion being on the opposite end of the spectrum as self criticism. It is a mindset that provides you with the same kindness and empathy you would give a friend. This means being kind towards yourself when you make a mistake, being understanding when you feel inadequate, accepting, even loving, your body as it is and treating yourself with respect.
Research shows that people who are more self compassionate have less anxiety and stress. Learning to comfort and soothe ourselves in times where we feel insecure or anxious helps build resilience and bolster self esteem.
Self compassion is a skill that can be learned, cultivated and nurtured. This is one of my favourite practices inspired by Dr. Kristen Neff, the leading psychologist on self compassion.
How Would You Treat a Friend?
Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:
First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.
Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.
Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?
How do you talk to yourself when you fail, or when you did something embarrassing? Do you criticise yourself or do you give yourself love and accept yourself for being a wonderfully imperfect human?
Until next time,
Alexandra