The Roots of the Critic
For many years, when I heard people mention the 'inner child' I would get the ick. If I'm being totally honest here, I rather dismissed the idea without really looking into. It felt too ethereal to me. I also didn't understand why you would want to spend so much time looking back, reliving past trauma, when people were concerned with making changes to the present and future. Which is perhaps why I resonated so strongly with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, NLP and Life Coaching.
I can't pin point a neat moment where I read a book, or listened to a talk, or experienced a life changing moment. For me, this shift has been more of an evolution as I continue to explore self esteem, anxiety, imposter syndrome and confidence both with myself and the clients that I work with.
My focus is still on supporting my clients to transform their present and future selves, but I recognise that for lasting and sustained change, there does need an understanding of the past. Otherwise, are we just sticking a plaster over a deeper wound?
And this is where the inner child comes in.
The Inner Critic - who I speak about so often and is responsible for low self mood, esteem, worth and so much more - is born from the wounds of the inner child.
And you may be thinking (like I did!) but my childhood was a happy one, I experienced no trauma, there are no wounds. But I'm yet to meet someone who hasn't an element of a wounded child inside. I'm not sharing this to say that you're broken, rather to acknowledge that it's universal. That we've all internalised faulty belief systems or learned ineffective coping strategies or developed unhealthy attachment styles as children that stay with us through adulthood (or until we do the work to change).
Without meeting the inner child, it's hard to understand where the inner critic has come from and what it's role is in trying to protect you. Once we have this information, we can begin the work of soothing the inner child and changing the critic's narrative so that we can cultivate authentic trust, confidence and love in our lives.
Uncover the Roots of the Critic
You’ve been listening to your inner critic for years, if not decades. It' feels familiar. Like home.
Because of that, it sounds like gospel truth, an absolute definitive. Why would we question something that comes from our own mind?
But, your inner critic’s voice is actually the opinions and judgements of the people you grew up with: your parents, care gives, teachers, siblings.
In Hal and Sidra Stone’s great book Embracing Your Inner Critic, they share some insightful questions that help you to understand where your little voice comes from.
Does the inner critic sound like someone I know? Think of parents, other family members, teachers and the different people who influence(d) you?
What were the expectations my parents, care givers, teachers had for me? How did they respond when I did not live up to their standards?
When do I first remember being concerned about this issue? Revisiting the first time you felt hurt about this issue helps you heal and break the cycle, so that you can move on.
How did your parents and other family members model boundaries to you? Did you feel free to say ‘no’ or was there a current of guilt surrounding it?
What were your parents’ favourite judgmental comments about you? For a lot of us, our parents’ criticisms still dictate our behaviour today. Discerning which comments affected you negatively allows you to start detaching yourself from them.
What are the worst characteristics that a person could have, according to your current friends? We all feel some pressure to uphold a certain image of ourselves in order to please and impress our friends. Figuring out what you disown about yourself allows you to better embrace the whole you.
This exercise can be confronting and challenging, but remember, without meeting and understanding this part of you, it’s like sticking a plaster over a deeper wound. Next time we will be exploring how the Inner Critic’s role in life is to protect you and prevent you from experiencing pain or suffering.
Much love
Alexandra x
