What Really Contributes to Our Sense of Worth

Last week we looked at the Myths of Self Worth and explore how worthiness isn't something you earn, or gain. It’s already yours. It's something inherent in you.

As the brilliant psychologist Dr Julie Smith shared with her children,

If I walk away from my career and my 1 million Instagram fans tomorrow, it won't make me any less valuable or worthy. I will still be the same 'me' that I am right now.

So if worthiness is something that we are born with and something that can't be taken away, why is it then, that some people feel like they are worthless? There are many factors that can contribute to a person feeling like they don't belong or are not good enough. The important thing to remember, is your are not alone. Feelings of unworthiness can be triggered at any stage of life but it always comes back to the perception you have of yourself, others and the world.

Continue reading to find out what really contributes to a sense of low self-worth and corresponding exercises to increase feelings of self-love, esteem and belonging.

Being told You're Worthless

For many people, feeling like you're not enough is cemented in early childhood and reinforced throughout life.

In some cases, parents or caregivers may outright tell their kids that they are useless, unloveable, worthless. Other times, it may be more subtle rejections or name calling. Or comments about their looks, mistakes and how difficult they are.

And it doesn't end here. Teachers, who have so much influence, can directly or indirectly make children feel worthless. Later on in life it might be toxic relationships, your boss or coworkers' comments that trigger the belief that you are unworthy.

And if you have experiences that support your belief, like a failed relationship or multiple interview rejections, then this sense of unworthiness is further ingrained in your system.

Learning to stand up for yourself, acknowledge your strengths and remove yourself from toxic people can be a hugely powerful process to reclaiming feelings of worth.

Being Ignored

At the same time, growing up in a household where you were largely ignored, or had caregivers who didn’t pay you much attention, or worse, made you feel like you were an inconvenience, can result in feelings of low self-worth and cause you to apologise for your existence

Children can also develop feelings of being undeserving of attention if they were subject to bullying at school and parents did little to intervene or solve the problem.

Again, this doesn’t end when childhood ends but can continue throughout teens and adult life with a person feeling unheard and misunderstood by friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances. People who struggle with this often jump to the conclusion that they are unworthy of attention, love and success.

If this resonates with you, spend some time reflecting on all the ways in which you are seen, the ways in which you make an impact on the lives of the people around you. Give yourself the challenge of making eye contact and feeling that sense of connection. Take up space and know that you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

Telling Yourself You're No Good

If you've grown up hearing repeatedly that you are useless, it's not unlikely that you will continue to talk to yourself in the same vein.

Something I often get my clients to ask themselves when they are struggling with negative thinking is "who's thought is that". More often than not, they find that the thought was from an old teacher or a parent. Realising that this isn't an original thought but one that they have inherited, helps to create a bit of distance and perspective.

I then ask them, what do you wish you had heard instead, or what would you say to a young child or your dearest friend. And it certainly isn't what they are saying to themselves.

It's easy for us to speak to our friends with empathy, kindness, compassion and understanding. The hard part is, learning to talk to ourselves in that way.

Pressure to Succeed

This is something that, sadly, for many people, starts at such a young age. Doing well at school can seem like the most important thing in the world, and can be accompanied by a huge amount of guilt if you feel like you are not doing well enough, or letting your parents down.

There is so much pressure put on children to get good a good education, find the perfect job, have a healthy, instagram worthy relationship, buy a house, settle down and start a family. And heaven forbid, if you haven't achieved these impossibly high standards in all areas, then the natural conclusion is that you must be a failure.

It's no wonder that so many people in there teens, twenties and thirties feel so incredibly lost.

Check in with your definition of success. And ask yourself whether the image 13 year old you had for 25 year old you is really what you want right now? I thought I'd be married, have a house and 3 kids by now. But you know what, that's okay. Success looks different to everyone and that's okay. It's what makes life interesting.

Comparing Yourself

Comparison is natural. In fact, it's a human instinct for survival. So for me to sit here and say don't compare yourself to others, well that's a little simplistic.

However, we can learn to compare in a healthy and constructive way - like seeing other people's success as inspiration or an opportunity to celebrate someone in your field.

Another way to compare in a healthy way is to measure yourself against the person you were yesterday and strive to be a better person in some way.

And if you're struggling, turn towards a practice of gratitude. No matter how little you have or how worthless you feel or how far you are from the life you envisioned, there is always something to be grateful for, even if it's just the breath flowing in and out your nose.

You've Experienced Change

We live in a world that, sadly, seems to determine worth through external factors, like our pay check, or the house we live in, the car we drive, the relationships we have. And so when we experience change, like a divorce or a redundancy, it can be hard to quantify your sense of worth.

On the flip side, changes, even when positive, can lead to a person doubting their abilities, feeling like an imposter, like you can't live up to the expectations.

All this is valid. Talking about how you feel with people that have been through similar situations can really help boost your confidence and remind you that you are not alone. If this resonates with you, remember that your worth isn't determined by external things. You are born worthy. Worthiness is your birthright. Don't believe me? Look at a new born baby and tell me it isn't worthwhile?

Social Media

As if all the above reasons weren’t challenging enough, now the world has to deal with their own stuff whilst previewing the perfect lives of celebrities, friends and family.

Most of us have at. least one, if not two, three, four social media accounts (congrats to those who have stayed clear of this mine field!)

On top of that there’s TV, magazines, radio, billboards.

That’s a hell of a lot of information to be absorbed at any one given moment in time.

And most of this content is designed to triggers us, to remind us that our teeth are not white enough, our skin not dewy enough, our home not big enough, our career not successful enough… our lives not enough.

It’s hard not to read into the underlying message that on some level we are just not enough.

Create boundaries around how you use social media. Do a cull of accounts that make you feel less than. Follow more of the people who motivate and inspire you.

Working with the concept of Self-Worth can be a difficult road, parts of you will show up telling you that it’s pointless, that you don’t deserve to feel happy, that you’re the exception and remind you all the ways in which you are unworthy. Don’t be discouraged, this can be a sign of growth and shaking those core negative beliefs. If you’d like support on this journey, feel free to book in for a free discovery call today.

Much love as always,
Alexandra xxx